It’s amazing how many great ideas it’s possible to come up with when it’s raining so hard that you can’t play golf. (And that means it’s raining really hard).
For example, I have one that involves a certain level of brilliance. Already working on the proposal to send to the big television network chiefs, who certainly will want to bid to put it in a prime spot on their schedules. Or at least in a forgotten streaming location.
Get ready for the Amateur Short Drive Championships.
You might have noticed that somebody has already stolen my other grand idea – the Professional Long Drive Championships. PGA Tour ball basher Bryson DeChambeau finished in the top 10 in that event recently, thrilling the crowd with his long blasts but ultimately losing the title to long-drive specialist Kyle Berkshire, who rocketed a 422-yard drive to win $50,000.
If I could hit a golf ball 422 yards, I would demand much more than $50,000.
But I digress.
Back to this new idea. The Amateur Short Drive Championships will not be open to professionals (thus the name). The “short” drivers on the PGA Tour – guys like Andrew Putnam and Scott Langley – hit the ball about 275 yards. This is short? I don’t think so.
No, the ASDC (patent pending) will be for regular folks – those of us who get excited when a drive happens to reach 200 yards. Or maybe 150 yards. Or maybe just dribbles a few yards past the tee box. That means at least there was contact – however weak – with the ball.
So, let’s gather and celebrate these feats of something less than strength.
Let’s go short.
Because we don’t want things to get too complicated, there are only a few rules:
No drivers with massive heads. We’re not looking for solid contact here. Think Little Bertha.
There will be the temptation to put glue on the face of the driver to limit distance. Sorry, not allowed. Vaseline? Of course not. No foreign substances.
Shanks are encouraged. Drives that wander off the straight and narrow in the Long Drive competition result in penalties. Not at the ASDC. We consider them normal. Celebratory, even. Each yard off the norm is worth a point.
No specialty “extra distance added” fancy expensive tees. Especially none of those that look like a little martini glass. Officials will find remains of used tees on the ground near the tee box (your friends do this, right?), and you will use those to tee up your ball.
No practice swings. You’re a big guy who’s played this game forever. Step up to the tee and don’t let ’er fly. Grip it and don’t rip it.
Your competitors will be encouraged to jeer while you swing. This should trim extra yards from your total.
ASDC polo shirts (shorter than normal sizes) will be available for purchase, as will super-soft golf balls designed with a lack of distance in mind.
Judging will be by members of the European Ryder Cup team, who fell short.
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