There you sit, innocently watching professional golf on television, and – WHAM! – the first commercial hits and you’re suddenly introduced to the WONDER WEDGE!

Ordinary golfers, folks just like you, are seen hitting the WONDER WEDGE (yes, it’s all capitals). Their shots from 50 yards off the green hit 30 feet from the pin, bounce twice and roll up into gimme range. Following is oral testimony from these same golfers, who swear that the WONDER WEDGE has improved their games by eight shots and gently hint that you’re an idiot if you don’t order one today. $69.99, plus shipping and handling. Money-back guarantee if you’re not fully satisfied.

No doubt thousands of golfers have ordered these sorts of clubs, from magical putters to fancy chippers to zany-looking hybrids that seem to be patterned after a dental tool. The commercials are compelling, and those “ordinary golfers” look just like the guys down at the local muni. If it works for them…

At the other end of the equipment scale we have those annual new-club reviews in the golf magazines. In breathless commentary, $540 drivers are compared and contrasted, and the faces of $300 putters are matched side by side. There is a lot of talk of “forging” the best clubs and of weight transformation and metal-injection molding and reducing drag. Most of us, of course, will be able to afford these creations of mad golf scientists only when they’re on the Clearance rack eight years down the road. Or maybe from a yard sale of an anguished golfer who’s given up the game.

It’s time to end this equipment madness.

What is needed is the Ultimate Golf Club – one club that will work for every shot, from massive drives on long par fours to 10-foot putts. The best magicians at NASA, Apple, Microsoft, and Sony should begin work on this project immediately, with occasional input from Titleist, Callaway, Cobra and those Russian experts who can hack into anything. 

Think of the money saved in golf bags and headcovers alone – enough to fuel the economy of a moderately sized country.

The Ultimate Golf Club must be heavy enough to launch huge drives but light enough to throw in angry moments. It must look nice, perhaps with some cool green and red shadings and stripes, but it must be rugged enough to withstand fierce 200-yard shots from the hardscrabble surfaces of the worst wasteland courses.

It must be long enough for those of us who routinely launch majestic 300-yard drives, but it must have a collapsible feature to allowing for chipping, putting and awesome sand play. Since we’ll be using it for every shot, the grip must be made of Kryptonite or Astroturf or a similar otherworldly substance. 

We’ll stop short of demanding that the club be built in such a fashion that it could be used by both right- and left-handed players. That would be ludicrous.

We’ll seek endorsements from the top golfers on the tour, of course. They’ll wear our UGC caps and shirts, and when the golf magazines run those “What’s In Your Bag?” features, they’ll proudly display the UGC and say, “Hey, bud, this is it.”

Smart marketing people will determine the price of the UGC. Whatever the cost, you’ll be able to get two for the price of one. Just pay the extra shipping and handling.

Next: We work on the Ultimate Golf Pencil. A very sharp point and three erasers. The promise – the quickest way to improve your score.

Mike Hembree

Mike Hembree is a veteran journalist who has covered a variety of sports for numerous publications and websites, including USA Today, Fox Sports, TV Guide and The Greenville (S.C.) News. He has written 14 books and has won numerous writing awards at the national, regional and state levels. He is a seven-time winner of the National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year Award.