Alright, be honest, the best golf round you’ve ever played pales in comparison to the after-party — the highly celebrated 19th hole, where you sit with an adult libation in hand, waxing poetically with your fellow links-loving contemporaries about every brilliant (or in my case, not-so-brilliant) shot you hit.

Just the fact that you’re able to dedicate an entire day to that “good walk spoiled” demonic pastime we affectionately call golf and not be stuck inside “workin’ for The Man” tells the world everything it needs to know about you. That said, the aforementioned libation you’re swilling also says a lot about you. Hell, your drink says everything about you.

Think I’m kidding? Before we get to the good stuff, let’s hash it out …

Beer – Who doesn’t enjoy a cold brew on a hot day? Or any day for that matter? Whether you’re blue-collar to the core and would rather face a firing squad than give up your red-white-and-blue sourced domestic suds (Budweiser, Miller, Busch, etc.), or you’re among the tie-and-loafer set and need a Heineken, Stella Artois or Grolsch to properly convey your hops snobbery, or maybe you’re on permanent fiesta. Only a Corona or Dos Equis will do, the problem with beer is that one always turns into two, two almost always turns into four, four typically turns into … See where I’m going with this? Before you know it, you’re slurring your words and making derogatory comments about your playing partners’ spouses, splicing in a suggestive narrative that involves a jar of Vaseline and fruit roll-ups. Or is that just me?

Exotic Cocktails – Frozen concoctions a la Jimmy Buffet are a lot like Google searching “sexy vinyl vixen” a la Brit Hume — there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it unless people are watching. Sure, I’m all for a creamy Banana Daiquiri or a coconutty Piña Colada now and then, but only if I’m on some sugar sand beach in the tropics. Drinking one of those or their kin in a golf clubhouse, just … no. Seriously, how can you possibly sit there and have an adult conversation with a pretty little umbrella sticking out of your glass?

Martinis – You’re not 007, nobody’s interested in “shaking not stirring,” and olives are for chef salads, not cocktails.

Shots – Tequila shots are for frat parties, and whiskey shots are for Blake Shelton concerts. Assuming you’re wearing proper golf attire, you’re not garbed for either of those events, so don’t even go there.

That leaves the only proper post-round elixir: Scotch.

Scotch has class, pedigree, style, and, above all else, it has bite. Whether you’re talking business or talking about the clubs in your bag, a glass of Scotch is always appropriate.

Depending on your tastes, you’re either a fan of single malt or blended. I find single malt fans tend to avoid blended variants, and those who like blended Scotches usually pass on single malts. For those unfamiliar with Scotch whisky verbiage, single malt Scotch is distilled and bottled in a single distillery. Blended Scotches are combinations of two or more Scotch whiskies. I’m a die-hard single malt consumer, but then again, I’ve got more issues than Marvel Comics, so maybe I’m not the best taste ambassador.

As for rocks (ice) or neat (straight up), again, put on your big boy/big girl pants and choose your own route.

Now that the basics are outta the way let’s get into the Scotch itself.

BEGINNERS – Johnnie Walker Red Label (blended) – Under $20

One of the best-selling Scotch whiskies on the planet, a bottle will only set you back $20 (or less!), and the smoky, spicy notes will give you a perfect indoctrination into the realm of kilts and bagpipes.

BEGINNERS – The Glenlivet (single malt) – Under $25

While single malt Scotches are typically much more expensive than their blended brethren, The Glenlivet is dirt freakin’ cheap. For under $25, you get a 12-year-old Scotch that’s renowned for its smoothness.

INTERMEDIATE – Monkey Shoulder (blended) – $30

Although Monkey Shoulder doesn’t have the tenure that most blended Scotches enjoy, it has quickly become a fan favorite and is easily worth 3x the price. For those who enjoy the sweetness of honey, brown sugar and vanilla, the creaminess of buttered toffee, and the tingle of spice, this monkey needs to be uncaged.

INTERMEDIATE – Ardbeg Uigeadail (single malt) – $75

Now that you’re off and running, it’s time to go with something that’s anything but typical. Named after the loch from where the water is sourced, Ardbeg has a truly intense sweet and smoky taste that will quickly distinguish it from other single malt Scotches.

ADVANCED – Johnnie Walker Blue Label (blended) – $175

A blend of some of the most expensive Scotch whiskies, JW’s Blue Label has limited availability and every bottle is numbered. Referred to by many as “The VIP’s Scotch,” you’ll taste smoke and spice with every sip.

ADVANCED – Dalmore 18-Year (single malt) – $250

Imagine strawberry rhubarb pie drizzled with orange sauce, sprinkled with vanilla and toffee. That’s the experience that awaits when you party with this 18-year-old. Aged in American oak for 14 years, the remainder of its development is in Spanish sherry casks.

EXPERT – Chivas Royal Salute 21-Year (blended) – $200

Although it’s not much more than the blended Scotch in the advanced category, and an entire mortgage payment less than the single malt in this same category, this 21-year-old blend is truly spectacular, showcasing a nose of cherries, white raisins and toasted oak, and the taste of dried apricots, biscuits and smoke. It’s won multiple awards over the years, including the Chairman’s Trophy at the Ultimate Spirits Challenge.

EXPERT – Macallan 30-Year (single malt) – $5,000 if you can find it!

Very difficult to find courtesy of its ultra-limited production, you can expect robust taste explosions of vanilla and macadamia nut, accompanied by lingering black cherry with notes of sandalwood. You can also expect a serious addiction because when you tuck into a $5K bottle of booze, that experience won’t fade any time soon!

You heard it here first! Meet the new kids on the block at Port of Leith Distillery