It was just after lunch, and I am taking my customary walk around the cubicles of the office. It’s something that I labeled the “check-in”. As a mid-level manager, there is nothing more satisfying than reminding people who’s in charge. I am.
Granted, that power lasts only until my boss gets back from his meeting, but for that one hour, I am the most powerful person in the office.
I got around the first corner of the C1 (cube one), where the development team sits and discusses GOT plot holes and character flaws as I see Brian in his office.
“What happened to your meeting,” I ask.
He slowly raises his head and looks like he had been crying.
“My god Brian, what is going on?”
“I got fired Hack,” He says sternly. “Sons of bitches have no respect for what I’ve given this company. Ten years and millions in revenue, and nobody cares.”
This was not even a little bit of a surprise to me. To be honest, it was about 9 years overdue. I thought they kept him around because at one point he was the only employee with admin privileges on the company Facebook account.
Brian wasn’t just incompetent, he was a moron. He was the creepy guy in the office that made even the weekly birthday celebration in the lunchroom uncomfortable. This character even paid a coder to develop a bug in our system just so he could “fix it” and get the attention of the owners as being the hero.
As I said, no surprise he was fired. But for the 207 viable reasons he should have been fired, the actual reason was not a performance issue, or was it?
Apparently, Brian had broken the cardinal rule in any corporate America handbook. Do not get caught playing golf on any day, Monday through Thursday.
Every low to high level manager or executive knows this! When you are hired you are shown the break room, pointed to the employee that is the “go-to person for everything”, and warned that the ONLY day you can fake an appointment and play golf is Friday.
I read a stat once saying there are more business meetings on Fridays at 10am that result in ZERO revenue than any other day of the week. So, that is the key to playing golf on a workday.
That time slot allows you the ability to be seen early in the morning, later in the day, and indicates that you are so dedicated to your job that you schedule back to back meetings even on a Friday. But it is without the hassle of actually working. In short it is a perfect system.
Brian is dumb and played golf on a Tuesday. He even blocked it off in his calendar under the title “Goal Setting”. Brian hasn’t set a goal in 33 years. He is an underachiever who relies on being brash. His only reason for working was to finance his dream of a luxury boat with a putting green on the deck, and his unreachable goal of having beautiful women admiring his form as they sunbathed on the deck loungers .
He was going to name it “Putts and Butts”.
Anyway, I thought it would be funny for the entire company to get involved in his goal setting session. So I invited the whole group to his “meeting.”
Everybody was in the conference room waiting on him. It wasn’t just amusing, it was superb how the event took on a super funny power! People were texting him, hitting him up on chat, and calling him. After no response for about 20 minutes, Sandy, the drama queen of logistics was even calling hospitals and police stations. I was on the floor at this point.
Hilarious! I pulled off a great practical joke. When he finally got back to the office around 3pm, the police were there to follow-up on the missing persons report from Sandy. He was so confused.
After he told the police he was golfing and nothing to worry about, he was fired.
So obviously the story has a happy ending. I was promoted.
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Court ordered and under duress, these are the thoughts, opinions, and ramblings of a weekend golf hack.