LIV Golf finally has announced its 2022 tournament schedule, and it’s a nice mix of domestic and international events.

Greg Norman, the key player in this roaring challenge to the PGA Tour, has said invitations will go out to 250 players, giving them the opportunity to play in eight tournaments and win portions of a $255 million pot of gold.

Unfortunately for Norman, the LIV Golf bus is virtually empty. Players aren’t rushing to get on board. It’s very, very quiet in there.

Norman remains hopeful.

“We see a global pool of talent we can tap into to develop and promote,” he said.

Well, Greg, you have your first player. Call me.

I need development and promotion. I have clubs. I have an active passport. I’m willing to travel. Excited about it, even.

Without some major help from a top-of-the-line teacher, and despite my overflowing confidence, I feel reasonably certain that I’ll finish last in all eight of your tournaments.

But, it’s OK. Considering the big sack of money you’re carrying around, I’m thinking last place at each event will still be relatively rewarding. With maybe $25 million available at each tournament, last place should be worth several hundred thousand. 

This might be chump change for some players, but these are numbers with which I can deal. And you’re playing only 54 holes, so I won’t be nearly as tired.

I will sign all of your forms. I will agree not to play on the PGA Tour. I will appear before the media and answer all their questions. Even the bad ones.

Heck, I’ll even pick up the range balls after morning practice and pick up the broken tees on every tee box after play is over. If the course has azaleas, I will baby them better than the master horticulturists at Augusta National. I will run lunch boxes to the marshals on every hole. I will pick up gum wrappers, beer cans and the occasional drunken spectator.

If you haven’t signed a television network by the start of the tournament series, I’ll wander around the courses with a big video camera and pretend I’m sending images across the globe.

I should remind you that I made a similar offer to Steve Stricker as he was putting together the most recent Ryder Cup team. I never got a call back from Steve, who, I’m told, is a super-nice guy. You can’t prove that by me, but he did seem to do a reasonably good job in the competition despite my absence.

Greg, you shouldn’t risk leaving me behind. I can bring so much to this endeavor, and I endorse it wholeheartedly. Virtually every other golfer seems to have rejected the idea, and I feel like you’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

That’s exactly where you’ll find me. Let’s do this.

Mike Hembree

Mike Hembree is a veteran journalist who has covered a variety of sports for numerous publications and websites, including USA Today, Fox Sports, TV Guide and The Greenville (S.C.) News. He has written 14 books and has won numerous writing awards at the national, regional and state levels. He is a seven-time winner of the National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year Award.