Answering some of golf’s burning questions:

When is it time to buy a new golf bag? Today. Go get it
today. Get one with a bunch of pouches and really cool
zipper pulls. You’ll feel better about life.

Is there a difference between Pro V1 balls and every other ball? No, they both sink into ponds at the same speed.

Is it easier to see those neon-colored balls? Not in four-feet-high rough.

Why do television golf commentators wear suits and ties? I have no earthly idea.

Do golf-course snacks taste better after a birdie? The answer is a solid yes. Have another.

Why do the brakes on some golf carts work well and the brakes on others leave you at risk of sailing into the nearest abyss? You don’t know this, but, after dark, with the course closed, those guys who clean the carts also race them up, down and across fairways. Can be brutal on brakes.

Is it necessary to buy a new driver every year? No, but you know you want it. Skip the car payment this month.

What’s the most pressing thing about Phil Mickelson? Not sure, but it should be the mute button.

What is an acceptable length for a gimme? An inch shorter than your putt.
What’s a bit of golf slang that you just don’t hear much anymore? Bo Derek (means a score of 10). Look her up, kids.
Is it ever OK to pick up range balls and stuff them in your bag? No. Besides, they’re incredibly ugly and appear to carry some kind of mutant disease.
What’s the thing that worries airline pilots the most? Those huge nets at Topgolf.
If you could invite any four golfers – living or dead — for a lunch and conversation, which ones would you pick? Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Tiger Woods, Lee Trevino.

When is a course ranger most likely to show up? When you’ve driven your cart a foot too close to the green. He’ll notice from four fairways away.

When is a course ranger least likely to show up? When your cart’s battery dies. He’ll be somewhere in the rough
slamming down a wad of doughnuts.

What’s the best reaction when a team in a Captain’s Choice tournament arrives at the scorer’s table with a ridiculously low score? Announce that all of the prizes have been donated to a local homeless shelter.
What are the best three course candies? Reese’s Cups.
Snickers. Fifth Avenue. Nobody asked, but the worst is Mallo Cups.

Does the 1 iron have any real use? Perhaps the best club for dealing with serpents.

What’s the closest you’ve come to club champion? Parking in his designated spot.

What’s better, beach golf or mountain golf? Yes.

What’s the best advice ever from a starter? “Move up one set of tees. You’ll have a lot more fun.”

Is it OK to move a ball that landed in a pile of goose
droppings? It’s not only OK, it’s required. And watch your

Mike Hembree

Mike Hembree is a veteran journalist who has covered a variety of sports for numerous publications and websites, including USA Today, Fox Sports, TV Guide and The Greenville (S.C.) News. He has written 14 books and has won numerous writing awards at the national, regional and state levels. He is a seven-time winner of the National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year Award.