As soon as I have enough money to buy a few bulldozers and an appropriate piece of property, I’m going to build my own golf course.

Friday Mike Golf Club won’t be an exclusive facility. It won’t be an issue if your family doesn’t have the silverware that Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandma brought
over on the Mayflower.

In other words, regular folks – come on over and bring your cash (or cards). $30 during the week and $40 on weekends and holidays. Everybody’s welcome.

Well, not everybody. The course will be closed to these guys:

  • The guy who spits tobacco juice on the greens.
  • The guy who mounts a giant speaker on his golf cart and plays Travis Tritt at high decibel levels across
    several fairways.
  • The guy whose shoe spikes are so long they add four inches to his height.
  • The guy who drives his golf cart deep into the forest across roots and rocks and streams and white-picket fences in pursuit of a lost ball.
  • The guy who pursues a lost ball for more than four
    minutes.
  • The guy who has a 7 a.m. tee time and has downed five beers before 8 a.m.
  • The guy who leaves a half-eaten tuna sandwich in any of my top-of-the-line golf carts.
  • The guy who tries to lower his home mortgage loan rate by one-10 th of a percent on his cell phone while waiting to putt.
  • The guy who spends 30 minutes at the turn flirting with the grill cook.
  • The guy who spends 30 minutes at the turn arguing
    with the grill cook.
  • The guy who tries to get a senior discount even though he’s 48.
  • The guy who wants to “test” a new driver from the pro shop and returns it three weeks later. Scarred.
  • The guy who constantly hits into the group in front of him, explaining repeatedly, “I’ve never hit a 5 iron that far.”
  • The guy who brings his brother-in-law with him just to keep score.
  • The guy who plays Words with Friends on his cell phone while his pal tees off.
  • The guy who demands a full-round rain check after his play is ended by a thunderstorm after 16 holes.
  • The guy who demands to walk the course as a single on the busiest golf day of the year.
  • The guy who calls his mom, sister, wife, six cousins, and eight co-workers after barely missing a hole-in-one.
  • The guy who parks his shiny new pickup across three parking spaces to avoid any possibility of door dings.
  • The guy that hits his drive into the adjacent fairway and then holds up three foursomes while studying his next shot from every angle.
  • The guy who stands over a two-foot putt forever,
    thinking he’s Jack Nicklaus.

That’s it. Otherwise, everybody’s welcome at my place.
Oh, and no restrictions at all on women. Well, unless that
tobacco juice thing comes into play.

Want more of Friday Mike? Check out his past columns, with new pieces released every week.

Mike Hembree

Mike Hembree is a veteran journalist who has covered a variety of sports for numerous publications and websites, including USA Today, Fox Sports, TV Guide and The Greenville (S.C.) News. He has written 14 books and has won numerous writing awards at the national, regional and state levels. He is a seven-time winner of the National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year Award.