My neighbor asked me the other day if I was playing golf, as I was putting my clubs in my trunk. Then he pointed right at me and said, “Looks like rain.”

This is the kind of negative thinking that drives me crazy. This was something I was pretty excited about doing and the fact that this joker was trying to ruin my fun, was annoying.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

“Whatever pally.” He responded.

Now, most people would have just said something pithy and whimsical and got in their car and drove off. But I am not most people. I am Hack Mulligan and nobody is going to ruin my day with their negativity and supposed facts.

“Look chief, I know that you live in a nicer house than me, have a nicer car than I do, and I can assume make more money than me. I have seen all your buddies come over with their fancy shirts and big wallets to eat a 19-hour smoked brisket. Am I jealous of your life? Obviously. I want to have a car that unlocks itself with the push of a button on your keys. I would love to have a garage that looks like a Home Depot in both its inventory and its organization.

“But I also see some cracks in the armor friendo. For instance, I know that your gardener has been going to the bathroom on the side of your house for the past two years. I know that you smoke when your wife is out of town. I am also keenly aware that your car is a lease. And for the record, you overpaid for your house based on recent comps in the neighborhood, so good luck selling that pile of trash in a few years.

“What I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter how smart, good looking, or rich you are. You don’t know everything and even the weather people don’t actually know the weather, so don’t you dare ruin my day by telling me it’s going to rain. Understand me?”

He was stunned. One might say, dumbfounded. He stood there like a statue staring right through me with a confused gaze. He started to speak and I raised my hand in the air and said, “I’m done. See ya when I see ya.”

I shut the door and started backing out of my driveway.

He was running towards the car at this point and waving frantically for me to stop. I reluctantly stopped and rolled down the window.


“I said to bring the pain.” He sheepishly responded.

I blankly stare at him and flash forward to the next seven years of living next to him.

“Will do buddy.”